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Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Maybe One of These Days...

One of these days, I will have a great day and it will be great all day long. Today wasn't that day. Work was fine - kids were good and learned a lot. Got a free lunch - sandwiches from QuikTrip thanks to Nicole's husband. Everything was going good.

Then I brought home sandwiches to hubby and he wanted me to call Courtney. She wanted to talk to me about the stuff I am supposed to get for the baby shower. Nothing wrong with that. Except that we haven't talked about the baby shower...or what I am supposed to get for it....or even when it is. When I told hubby this, he wanted to argue a little about it. Not much, just enough to make me start bawling over nothing. So I left to go to my therapist appointment and called Courtney on the way...and told her that we had not spoken about this. Of course, she wanted to argue, too. Even told me that I was getting forgetful in my old age....hung up and started bawling again...on my way to my therapist...

Then bawled through the whole hour with her...

Let's try and find 5 things to smile about today...

  1. Saw the family for Tasha's birthday at the steakhouse.
  2. Saw LaRina and Leroy together...and very happy.
  3. Great new pictures of Samantha and Miles.
  4. Ice. Cream. Sandwiches. Enough said.
  5. Peanut food fight at the steak house!

Monday, April 29, 2013

It's A Monday...

Not too bad of a day...Little Miss had a good day so that made life easier. We all had our picture taken for Leslie's retirement calendar...we did a 70's hippie type picture...It was really kind of fun. Especially when Julie got all dressed up - she looked pretty authentic - especially when she found the 'shrooms outside!

Not too much else going on today...had a pretty good panic attack...wasn't full blown, but close enough.

A cool thing happened tonight...I was trying to get word out about the fundraiser for Joy's Hope, so I blasted a few people with the link....Clint Bowyer, Delana Harvick and Kevin Harvick among them. A little while later, hubby got pretty excited. He said "Kevin retweeted your link!!" I didn't believe him at first - it was too unbelievable! But then I checked it out, and he did!!! We will see if it did any good.

5 things to smile about...

  1. Kevin Harvick retweeted my tweet! How cool is that! 
  2. Hippie pictures.
  3. Went to the bookstore and bought Duck Dynasty book.
  4. My students are awesome! They can always make me smile.
  5. Cute smiley picture of Samantha.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Another Great Weekend

It turned out to be a great weekend. Love spending time in KC with the kids and grandkids. Little Samantha is just adorable, and her big brother Miles thinks that she is the greatest thing since jousting! He was proud to show her off. I was lucky to have Miles cuddle with me and Samantha for about half an hour...if you know Miles you know how special this really is!

It was also nice to have some time to myself on the drive to and from KC. I love driving. It is just peaceful and there are no problems - just the open road in front of you with a pleasant destination. Love it!

Five things that made me smile today:

  1. Snuggling with Miles and Samantha.
  2. Long peaceful drive.
  3. I was able to pay for lunch for the kids.
  4. Great movie that hubby rented for me to watch.
  5. Found my way around KC with minimal GPS assistance!

Saturday, April 27, 2013's a great weekend...grammy time!

Happy at the moment. Sharing the evening with Tabitha, Patrick, Samantha and Miles and the Yorks. Samantha is an absolute doll and Miles is so proud of her. He had to show her off and then wanted to hold her. Got a great picture of the three of us together. Sure made a bad weekend better. Really didn't have the money to come up here, but hubby had some money put up so I could come. That just proves how much he takes care of me. He's a good hubby.

Don't want to dwell on any of the bad stuff right I'll make it short and just add the 5 things that make me smile:

  1. Seeing Miles
  2. Seeing Samantha.
  3. Jousting with Miles.
  4. Nice drive to KC even though I missed my turn.
  5. Quiet time alone right now.

Friday, April 26, 2013

One of Those Days...

Today wasn't too bad. Got the money situation figured out...gonna cost me straight from my paycheck for the next year or more...but it's figured out. Probably still don't have the money to go to KC this weekend, but maybe next month things will be a little better.

Work was good...had a pizza party and movie with all of the kids...they all enjoyed it. They earned this party because of their wonderful behavior and their great improvement this year. I am very proud of all of them...and am already starting to miss them. I will see some of them during the summer for the summer school program, but others I won't see until next school year...and then I won't have them as students next year.

Overall, though, it's been a depressed kind of day...just a "I wanna bawl" kinda day...I guess it's because of the money. It just seems there is not way to get away from money problems...just when it seems that we have everything taken care of something else comes out of the blue...I don't know if we will ever be able to just be "comfortable" money wise...some days I don't even wanna try any more. I just wanna give up and run away. I won't...I have too much going for me and I know that...but I still feel that way. Last year at this time I was looking forward to a trip to Branson with my sisters...this year I just want a day to myself away from everyone and problems allowed...but we can't afford even that...

I want to have the energy to clean the house from top to bottom - to rearrange the office to be a play room for the grandkids...wanna clean the second bedroom to make it less scary for the grandkids to sleep up there when they spend the night...I want to have the energy to go back to running...I enjoyed the few weeks I did that...but I have no energy and no desire...Just overall depressed and sad and no desire to get my butt of the couch...I keep trying...I keep thinking I am getting better...and there are many days that I feel great...but then there comes the days like today...when out of the blue this feeling of dread hits...this feeling of why try...the feeling of giving up...tries to suck my life away.

I know I will fight it...I know that I can fight through it...I have before and I will again...but I am getting tired of having to fight it...getting tired of having to fight the money issues...just tired...

I am lucky that I have a wonderful husband. I sometimes wish he would do more, but he is dealing with the same issues as health issues on top of that...I know I am giving him excuses and enabling him to be the way he is...and that it's not helping him...but right now, I just want to concentrate on me right now...and it's just easier to ignore what he doesn't do and concentrate on what he DOES do...he is there for me when I do have a bad day...I get loving texts when he knows I am having a tough day...I get a big hug when he senses that I had a bad day at work...he encourages me to do more and to get out...he teases me into a good mood when there is nothing else that can make me happy...he calls my kids and has them call me so that I can talk to the grandkids...little things, yes, but things that show me how much he truly cares...

Well, here are the five things that made me smile today:

  1. My students walking in asking if it were party day.
  2. My students asking if they can share pizza with their teacher.
  3. The music teacher asking me if I could help her with the May pole activity.
  4. A Facebook message from my oldest talking about how her oldest came home and the first words he said were that he wanted to hold his new baby sister.
  5. Younger daughter posting pictures of oldest granddaughter playing in the bathtub.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Great Day,.,Then I Checked The Mail...

Today was a pretty good day. Kindergartners went to the zoo so that left my day pretty free. The book that the first graders wrote and we had published got in yesterday and we shared it today. They were really impressed! They loved it...and so did their teachers! Everyone shared it with their classes. Even my little lady had a great day even when she had a sub. Got to help interview some people for the new para position. It just seemed that everything was going great today...

Then I got home...and checked the mail...I was hoping for information about my appointment for my stent and stuff...instead I find a bill from the IRS...thought we had everything taken care of since we received a refund this year. But that's what I get for thinking. It seems that one of the jobs that hubby had didn't take his taxes we now owe more than $5000...we had trouble paying the rent this month...and now the IRS wants $5000?? And by the way...they want it now....and of course I started bawling when I found that in the mail...

Also kind of figured out we may not be able to go to KC to see the kids this weekend...after getting the rest of the bills paid and buying groceries, we have very little money left to last until payday...

There were things that made me smile though...
  1. The look on the students' face when they saw their book for the first time.
  2. I got a compliment from Anne - she was impressed about the information I had at a staffing yesterday that helped a student get services.
  3. My little lady had a great day...even with a substitute.
  4. Making "calming" bottles with the 1st graders.
  5. Seeing pictures of Samantha and Miles together!

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Problems...Just Typical Problems...

Another day...another dollar...or so they old saying goes. Not a bad day. Typical work problems - ones that created new problems! Little lady with autism having autism problems and another little lady with so many problems we just don't what the problem really is! (Did that make sense? I don't think so...) Just a typical day...with meetings. IEP meeting that went pretty well...could give a parent some decent news...his son is improving...nowhere near grade level, but improving steadily.
Came home to a mess...hubby not feeling well again...weekend was too much, I guess and he is over tired. He says he wants to help out, but then there is always a reason he can't...legitimate reasons, but no help, nonetheless....makes things kinda tough some times...Seems like I'm just rambling tonight, so I will find my 5 reasons to smile for today.

  1. Rhonda was at work today - she always makes me smile!
  2. Tabitha and the baby went home from the hospital...she shared a cute picture.
  3. Learned how to make a meme...
  4. Nice women at the order right!
  5. Kitchen is now a little cleaner! :)

Monday, April 22, 2013

I am trying to raise money for a summer school that I am doing this summer. So far I have 28 students signed up. I am doing this all by myself. Money for everything is coming out of my own pocket. If I do not receive some help, I will have to turn away students - something I really do not want to do. I don't need a lot of money - around $1500 would be enough. I started a campaign on I could really use all the help I can get! Every dollar helps buy supplies for one more student! Thanks in advance for everything! Check it out:
Wow...what a great couple of days!! Miss Samantha Paige was born Saturday, April 20, 2013! She came in at 8 pounds 2 ounces and 21 inches long. She was introduced to her big brother, who promptly proclaimed that "She's Beautiful!" It was a quick run to Kansas City after midnight on Saturday/Sunday. We slept for a couple of hours in the waiting room and then met Miss Samantha at around 6 in the morning. She is beautiful, of course. Absolutely beautiful.

Before we got the call that sent us running to KC, we had a pretty amazing Saturday. Jaxon came over around 6 and he and played and watched television until Papa woke up. Then we went to the Harley Davidson store for their open house and looked at the motorcycles for awhile. Of course, Jaxon thought he was in heaven and wanted to sit on every Harley in the store. We ended up buying him a stuffed puppy dog and he wouldn't put it down for the rest of the day.
Then Papa took us to eat at a place he used to go all the time. We had great hamburgers that were cooked just the way we wanted them. Jax had a hot dog and ate most of it. We decided to go to cousin April's after that. Or should I say, Dave decided we should go. It was cool - we spent a couple hours over there while Jaxon played with Michael and Sade - then Marquez for a little bit. Jaxon wanted to play with Chris, too, but he was in trouble. After a little while, he went and played with him anyway.
It was after that when we got home and got the call from Patrick. Jaxon was going to spend the night, but we ended up taking him home. It was great to get that call!

Samantha missed Mom's birthday by 57 minutes...

Five things to smile about today...
  1. Samantha is here and healthy!
  2. Madison quieted down when she drew the "beach" on the silver thingy. She liked her beach!
  3. I have wonderful students! They worked their little tails of even when Madison was screaming,
  4. Showing of Samantha's picture to EVERYBODY!
  5. Jaxon picking out movies for my kids at school to watch!!!

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Terrorism...We Ask Why...Maybe I Have One Answer...

Senseless death all around this country this week. Two crazed young men decided that it was their mission to set off two bombs and kill three people - two young women and one eight year old boy - and injure hundreds. In their quest, one of the bombers also lost his life - the other is hospitalized at this writing. Before people could even catch their breath and begin to take that in, a small town, West, Texas felt the power of a 2.1 earthquake when a fertilizer plant in the town blew up. The blast was felt all around the town - volunteer firemen who had been in the building fighting fires lost their lives - as did many others - in that blast. During this same week, a 6.6 magnitude earthquake hit China, killing hundreds and injuring many more. Senseless death...with everyone asking why? Why did these people have to lose their lives? Well, we many never know the real answers - there may be no answers. But this is what I think. Here is just one possibility. Not a good one - but a possibility nonetheless.
Maybe all this death and destruction had a reason...
When the first bomb went off you see shock in the faces in the people in the pictures you see. You see disbelief and just utter shock. You see some people running away from the blast. But what is amazing - what was just truly amazing and unbelievable -was that there were more people running toward the destruction. People running towards debris and body parts falling from the sky. People running to see what they could do to help. And you see some now iconic pictures.
In one picture, you see a man in a cowboy hat surrounded by other people pushing another man in a wheelchair. In some of the photos - the ones that got out before they could be censored - you see that the man in the wheelchair is missing his legs...Later you discover that the man in the cowboy hat - the one pushing the wheelchair - was at the marathon handing out American flags. They were in honor of his sons - one lost in war in a foreign land, one lost in a war in his mind - a war that ended with his suicide. This man in the cowboy hat was not at the race to cheer on anyone he knew personally - but maybe to exorcise some devils in his own mind. Devils that might have left because of the life he helped to save.
You see another picture...a woman lying on the ground surrounded by blood. A young man kneeling over her - tenderly talking to her. It looks as if a loving husband or boyfriend is caressing a hurting girlfriend or wife. What you don't know from looking at the picture, is that this man does not know the woman he is caressing. He is a stranger to the woman. A woman he helped to save.
You see other pictures like this. And you hear stories. Stories of people who live nearby, or work nearby, offering hope and comfort to those from the marathon. Those who were not physically harmed, but who had just witnessed a war zone in a place they had never expected to see one. You see complete strangers opening their homes and businesses to help those who are lost to find some small bit of comfort. A kind word, a caring hand...and open house or restaurant just when one was needed.
And you see this happening not just in Boston. Boston is getting the most attention - perhaps because it was the first disaster - perhaps because it was the most unbelievable. But you see the same compassion in West, Texas and in China. You see it with volunteers running into a burning, exploding building trying to save their friends, family members, co-workers. You see it with neighbors trying to dig neighbors out of the rubble that was once their homes and business in China.
Maybe these evil, horrible things happened for a reason...maybe the Supreme Being - whichever one you believe in - for me it is my God - maybe He was showing the world that there may be horror in this world. There may be ultimate evil. But there is something out there that will overcome the horror and the evil...we have human for our fellow overwhelming goodness in people that you most often see in the hardest of times. Maybe God wanted to remind us all that humankind is still good...and that we can overcome anything as long as we work together as a team. Not as a family, or a neighborhood, city or even country. But as the human race...

Five things that put a smile on my face today...

1. Jaxon saying "I love you Grammy!"
2. A text from Tabitha  - "You may get your wish - contractions are coming closer!"
3. Jaxon playing with new found cousins - and them playing with him - being gentle and tough at the same time.
4. Spending the day with my husband...
5. A text from both my sisters promising breakfast together tomorrow.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Roller Coaster

Well, here are the five things that made me smile today...

  1. Found a solution to a money issue we had today.
  2. Talked to Tabitha and Tami today and both were very pleasant conversations.
  3. Boston Marathon bombers were caught - one died...(that didn't make me smile, but I'm happy he can't terrorize anyone else...)
  4. Hubby's news from the doctor was better than expected.
  5. A tweet about the capture of suspect #2..."If your gonna use a boat to escape...make sure it's in water...not Watertown! :)"
Today was a real roller coaster kinda day. Began happy because it was payday...then depressed because of some issues with the check. Then happier again because I came up with some solutions for those issues. Then things went downhill again...I was bawling like a baby and laughing out loud within two seconds of each other.
It's also the beginning of a sad weekend...Mom's birthday would be Sunday...she would have been 67...I still miss her so much...I can't believe she is gone, even after all this time. I had to go to the urologist today and was told that I will need surgery soon on my ureter...scary...because of my horseshoe kidney I have to go to KC to have a specialist do the the past, I would have called Mom and told her about it right there is no one to talk to about it..I told the girls about it, but I have to be brave when I talk to them. When I talked to Mom, I could tell her how I really felt...tell her how scared I really am to even think about it...even though I trust the surgeon and the urologist who says this surgeon is the best at what he could cause all kinds of problems if there is any problem at could cause issues with could lead to kidney could cause all kinds of problems...and it's scary.
On a good note, Jaxon is coming over will be a fun day...and Samantha will be here before next weekend and we will get to go and visit her...and see Miles and Tabitha and Patrick...I can't wait!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Sad New in the World

This week my therapist suggested writing a daily list of five things that have made me smile during the day. I will try to do that here...
1. Saw an old friend today.
2. Anne listened to what I had to stay about two of my special students for next year - and will allow me to continue to help with them without doing the paperwork to go along with it.
3. My wonderful husband unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher.
4. I saw a cute picture of DeWayne and Quentin. Made me laugh.
5. Got a comment on a hub I wrote. From an art therapist talking about play therapy and how important my hub was.

Today was an inservice day - which meant it was a long day. At least it was productive, though. We have our new theme for next year....we have sorted students into classrooms for next year and I am overall happy with the choices...saw a few cool videos that were funny or inspirational...

It's been a sad couple of days...two days ago at the Boston Marathon, someone set of two bombs...nearly 200 people were injured and three people...including an 8 year old boy...were killed...and then last night a horrible explosion happened in West, Texas...they still don't know how many people were killed and injured...they are still was so bad that it registered as a 2.1 earthquake...

And just know they are talking about a shooting at MIT where an MIT police officer has been shot...don't know if anyone else injured at this point...

Just sad news...over and over again....

Monday, April 15, 2013

Tough Week

Went to see Sherry, my therapist, tonight after work. Sat and bawled the whole hour. It just seems that last week was especially tough - and no real reason for it. Depressed and feeling sorry for myself. Told Sherry that and she laughed and said it was a good sign that I could recognize that. She made me think some things through and I realized things aren't all that bad - could be worse. I have a great family - and while I might not have heard from them during the weekend it didn't mean anything. Belle Plaine doesn't have the greatest cell phone service - it wouldn't be unusual for them not to call me. If I had really wanted to go, I should have gotten off my butt and gone out there and quit having a pity me party.
On another note- Spent the day at an in-service with Anne - the principal. She wanted to hear more about the summer school and was pretty impressed with what I'm doing. That made me feel pretty good. I'm getting pretty excited about it.
Anyway - maybe this week will be better...

Sunday, April 14, 2013

I have had depression for many years now. It is coupled with anxiety and panic attacks. I know that there are a variety of reasons for depression. It can be caused from environmental reasons or for physical reasons. For me, it is both. I need medication for my depression. I also need therapy for it. I have been taking medication for longer than I have been doing therapy. Therapy is more difficult for me. It's easy to take a pill every day. It's not so easy to talk to someone about all of the problems going on in my life. It makes me feel like I'm a loser - like I can't even take care of myself. I feel like I can't do anything right - not even the simplest things. It seems that everything I do is wrong and that everyone is watching me do it wrong and blaming or judging me. I don't know how true that really is - but that's the way I feel.
This weekend I also felt like my own family just didn't want to be around me. There was a dance and singing thing in Belle Plaine and all of my sisters were there. I texted them wanting to know if they were going and if so what time they were going - and never got any response. Then I see posts on Facebook that they all went and had a great time. So what is so wrong with me that they didn't even want to spend time with me? Yeah - I know - they were busy - they didn't get my messages - they figured that I would be there...blah blah...I know that if I would have gone and noticed one of them missing, I would have called to find out where they were...they didn't have the same courtesy...
I know that it's just me - that I could have gone anyway - that I really had no excuse not to go...but it would have been nice if they would have at least noticed that I was not there...I already feel worthless enough...
It's been a rough couple of weeks - okay months - at school, as well. I had a student leave school because his mother thought I was mistreating him. He was in time out one day when she came to get him and he was surrounded by me, the principal and the counselor. He had been throwing things around the room and trying to climb tables and bookshelves and we were trying to keep him safe. Mom didn't see it that way, though. She literally told me I was a horrible teacher and that I shouldn't be teaching.
I have also been getting in trouble because I have been missing so much time at work. I had severe headaches for awhile and missed because of those. I understand - but can't help when I can't even concentrate, let alone teach when these headaches were happening.
I guess I'll stop for tonight...and I will end on a good note...I have had so much response for my summer school program that I will have to have two sessions! I shouldn't be too surprised - it's free - but I am excited!