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Friday, April 26, 2013

One of Those Days...

Today wasn't too bad. Got the money situation figured out...gonna cost me straight from my paycheck for the next year or more...but it's figured out. Probably still don't have the money to go to KC this weekend, but maybe next month things will be a little better.

Work was good...had a pizza party and movie with all of the kids...they all enjoyed it. They earned this party because of their wonderful behavior and their great improvement this year. I am very proud of all of them...and am already starting to miss them. I will see some of them during the summer for the summer school program, but others I won't see until next school year...and then I won't have them as students next year.

Overall, though, it's been a depressed kind of day...just a "I wanna bawl" kinda day...I guess it's because of the money. It just seems there is not way to get away from money problems...just when it seems that we have everything taken care of something else comes out of the blue...I don't know if we will ever be able to just be "comfortable" money wise...some days I don't even wanna try any more. I just wanna give up and run away. I won't...I have too much going for me and I know that...but I still feel that way. Last year at this time I was looking forward to a trip to Branson with my sisters...this year I just want a day to myself away from everyone and everything...no problems allowed...but we can't afford even that...

I want to have the energy to clean the house from top to bottom - to rearrange the office to be a play room for the grandkids...wanna clean the second bedroom to make it less scary for the grandkids to sleep up there when they spend the night...I want to have the energy to go back to running...I enjoyed the few weeks I did that...but I have no energy and no desire...Just overall depressed and sad and no desire to get my butt of the couch...I keep trying...I keep thinking I am getting better...and there are many days that I feel great...but then there comes the days like today...when out of the blue this feeling of dread hits...this feeling of why try...the feeling of giving up...tries to suck my life away.

I know I will fight it...I know that I can fight through it...I have before and I will again...but I am getting tired of having to fight it...getting tired of having to fight the money issues...just tired...

I am lucky that I have a wonderful husband. I sometimes wish he would do more, but he is dealing with the same issues as me...plus health issues on top of that...I know I am giving him excuses and enabling him to be the way he is...and that it's not helping him...but right now, I just want to concentrate on me right now...and it's just easier to ignore what he doesn't do and concentrate on what he DOES do...he is there for me when I do have a bad day...I get loving texts when he knows I am having a tough day...I get a big hug when he senses that I had a bad day at work...he encourages me to do more and to get out...he teases me into a good mood when there is nothing else that can make me happy...he calls my kids and has them call me so that I can talk to the grandkids...little things, yes, but things that show me how much he truly cares...

Well, here are the five things that made me smile today:

  1. My students walking in asking if it were party day.
  2. My students asking if they can share pizza with their teacher.
  3. The music teacher asking me if I could help her with the May pole activity.
  4. A Facebook message from my oldest talking about how her oldest came home and the first words he said were that he wanted to hold his new baby sister.
  5. Younger daughter posting pictures of oldest granddaughter playing in the bathtub.

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